I Can't Make My Own Decisions

Well Simon and I made up. We talked. Actually Friday I was at Karl's because his best friend Ricky was down and Ricky and decided he likes me now so we all had a good time chilling out. Friday we just got very stoned and drank a fair bit. Well I did after I mished it over after work at 10. Went to work 12-10 Saturday on speed to get me through the day and went back up to Gen's after that. Gen n Rich were with Aaron taking MDMA and I went upstairs with Ricky, Karl and Si and had a load of coke, weed, took MDMA, beer. Everyone ended up falling out cause Ricky, Karl, Si and I were on different drugs so different atmospheres were needed. Gen ended up going upstairs to calm down cus shewere too high and Rich and Aaron went after her and didn't see them till Aaron came down at 5.30 Sunday morning to tell us he was going. Ricky went to Karl's room and crashed and Karl fell asleep on the recliner. Si and I pulled an alnighter with help from speed. Was nice though. We talked and played the whole night. I told him I was funny cus I thought he'd slept with his bit on the side and he was like "ooo no, don't worry, only slept with her twice and thats it". So I'm his main girl apparently haha. So we spent all day Sunday not moving on the sofa together. We were very cuddly and coupley and it's confusing.

There have been tensions in that house though. On Wednesday I was over, Karl and Si went straight upstairs cause Gen had a go at them for treating it like a dosshouse. I got really bored cause Gen and Rich were just cuddling and not talking and boring shit was on TV so I went upstairs and Karl and Si told me to close the door and come and sit. So I had a couple of joints with them and talked. They just wanted to chill out and I was welcome but at the end of the day Gens my friend. I know they are but Gen is more I guess. I invited Si to stay Saturday night cause my mother is going to Dublin for the weekend and Colin is out at 7 in the morning. He was wrecked when I asked so don't exactly know the answer to the question. I'll ask tomorrow.

Got a text this morning from Chink. Darren Laycock. It's been a while since we've talked, since I've moved really. We spoke on the phone for like an hour and been texting all day. We were just talking about everything and he's decided he wants to come over and move in with me. Well he wants me to get a shitty place for now, him move in then we'll upgrade to a bigger place. He says he's fed up of Burnley and I'm "Good looking, intelligent" and he "feels comfortable around me". So I don't exactly know what it's all meant to mean. He said he's missed me. But why now and why me. He's coming over July 11 for the weekend and we'll see how it goes from there. I said to him, "do you not want to check out the area and see me how I am now". And he said he went to pleasureland once so he likes the area and he knows me. So now I have no idea what to do.

Do I go solo with a man that I've known for years ? What about Simon? I do like him but I don't know if we're going anywhere or if we'll ever go anywhere. I don't even know if everything will materialise with Chink, and I don't even know what to think. My friend said she thinks he's telling me what I want to hear, but at the end of the day. Chink knows that I don't want to hear that, he knows I'd be happy seeing him for the weekend and getting a jolly good fucking off him (cause he is shit hot in bed) and now he's deciding I'm the girl for him. Why can't bloody Si say that. Talking about Karl and Si actually, Si confides in me a lot now as does Karl. They just expect me to be a great confidant. I don't mind cause they're my friends. But since when did our friendship go to the next level? Gen still thinks Si and I will make it as a couple.

So, Si or Chink? (Funny thing is they are extremely similar people just Si is louder). Who would I rather have my sights on. Well, ideally, I'd like me and Si to make it. We get on great, we've spent so long together and we're so coupley even in front of others but; he's got his bit on the side. Fair do's Si says they've only slept together only twice but Gen says when the other Gen comes over he does kiss her and cuddle her. He doesn't see her often, apparently he sees her when she's at her shift at Morrisons and walks past but apart from that they don't seem to be meeting up as much. I hope she goes back to her ex bf. Chink on the other hand, we've had our ups and downs. But he knows where he stands with me at the moment. I think the weekend he comes down will be the indication if I do want him. I know he's changed, but how much?

Ah I hate decisions. So:
- do I wait on for Si to realise what he's got and what he needs to keep hold of?
OR
- do I accept Chink wants me and misses me and get with him?

How about I stay single and carry on the way I am; I'm not doing great but I'm doing alright; aren't I?

xXx